One of the paradoxes of motherhood is that what we need as mothers is often the first thing we give up in order to be mothers. This is certainly true of making time for our own spiritual and personal growth. We often forego it in order to focus more fully on our children. It’s a dilemma: see to your own needs, or see to theirs.
When my youngest child was in preschool, I decided to take tap dancing lessons. Doing so was the first time since the birth of my children that I acknowledged I didn’t cease to exist the moment they were born—and admitted I could continue to have a life outside my role as “mom.” It’s a lesson my mom modeled for me, but until I was a mother myself, I didn’t understand it.
A theater major in college, my mom continued to be active in community theater, doing one play a year, so as not to lose touch with her roots. (I have fond memories of seeing her as the Blue Fairy in Pinocchio!)Recently, she shared with me why she did it. Here’s what she said:
"I did it to prove that there was still a 'me' inside of 'mother.' I always made sure the homework was in process, that everyone's needs were met, then I set out to fill my own need, that of expressing myself as a person. It released the artistic angst within me, and since I felt fulfilled and alive and vibrant, I am sure I was a much better mother. I felt like I was a person in my own right."
A search for the “me” in mother. It’s a lesson we can learn from. If we’re not looking for the “me” in mother, we end up simply seeing the “other” in mother.
We don’t have to give ourselves over completely to our children. It is possible to continue to exist separately from them, even as we are existing for them.
You still have things to learn. Things to experience. Things to do. And it’s important that your children know this. Self-growth is the way we show our children that life doesn’t stop just because we are adults--that the process of becoming who God intends us to be is lifelong.
The lesson is best shared by modeling. It may be as simple as letting your children see you reading a book. Or studying your Bible. Or looking up something in the dictionary. Or digging in your garden. Or knitting your first scarf. Or beading a bracelet. Or identifying a bird in your backyard. Or decorating a cake. Or making a soufflé. Or organizing a school party. What they see is not important. That they see it is.
Though modeling growth for your children is important for them, it’s also important for you. Your own growth is like a well of cool, refreshing water. When you are filled with energy, enthusiasm, and excitement, you can let your kids and spouse drink from your well without worrying if there will be enough water for everyone. You know there will be. And though you might have to fight for the time to see to your own growth, knowing your well is full makes the fight worth it, because when we see to our own spiritual and personal growth, we can, by extension, see to the growth of our children.
Article written by Mary Byers. Mary is a professional speaker and author of the newest Hearts at Home book, The Mother Load: How to Meet Your Own Needs While Caring for Your Family, which will be released soon. She will be speaking at the 2005 Hearts at Home conferences, where she will encourage moms to take care of themselves so that they are more able to care for their families. She lives with her husband and two youngest children in central Illinois."Copyright Hearts at Home 2006, used with permission. For more information about Hearts at Home: 1-309-888-MOMS or www.hearts-at-home.org."
